Tinsel, Tropes, and Too Many Princes
Hallmark launches its "Countdown to Christmas" programming today. Why?
Last Friday, it was 85 degrees in Chicago. I spent the late afternoon relaxing on my hammock, working on this newsletter, which features a guide to Hallmark's "Countdown to Christmas" programming.
Although today is only Oct. 18 and Halloween is nearly two full weeks away, Hallmark will launch its seasonal programming today. Yes, today.
So I've pored through the list of new offerings for 2024 and compiled what should be your definitive guide to their films. Like always, there's much of the same, but with a few surprises (mainly, Chicago becoming something of a seasonal destination. Who knew?).
Are You Ready for It?
For Hallmark, fall is canceled.
The brand makes multiple attempts to release fall-themed movies, but none have the cultural impact of their “Countdown to Christmas” programming. As a network — well, technically three networks and a streaming service — Hallmark has released themed television shows, nostalgic programming and even a daily morning talk show, which I once visited to interview one of their co-hosts in 2019. But nothing has endured as long as their Christmas programming.
And this year, Hallmark celebrates its 15th “Countdown to Christmas.” The more of these films you watch, the more you begin to notice the patterns. Not the patterns in what makes for a Hallmark Christmas romcom, meaning a small town and a big-city job and a need to rein in the heroine from her unnecessary ambitions. No, all of those things are apparent within one watch of a traditional Hallmark movie.
I'm talking about some of the other quirks of the “Countdown to Christmas” season: the abundance of films taking place in Europe; the small-town American girl discovered by a European prince of a small country that ends in "-ovia"; the nostalgia bait of past B-rate stars from '90s television shows or teen soap operas. For the most part, most of that continues this year. But there are some changes in store as well.
Mainly, the loss of some of Hallmark's progressive ambitions. Racial diversity has plummeted compared to years past. I used to joke with a friend about Hallmark's one all-Black movie. That is gone this year, which is a bummer, but other networks like BET and OWN have done a solid job of filling in that gap in recent years. Other film subgenres like the military movie also appear absent from this year's lineup. I'm less upset (or really, not upset at all) about that one.
All of it speaks to a larger trend in Hollywood post-strikes that is less ambitious and more fiscally conservative behind the scenes and less culturally diverse on our screens. In the end, both creators and viewers lose out.
The Roundup (all times in ET)
Number of mainstream TV stars making a surprising Hallmark debuts: 1
Angela Kinsey from The Office in Confessions of a Christmas Letter - Nov. 17, 8pm, Hallmark Channel
Number of films starring actresses from beloved Millennial movies/tv shows: 5
Ashley Greene from Twilight in Deck the Walls - Nov. 29, 8pm, Hallmark Channel
Holland Roden from Teen Wolf in Five Gold Rings - Nov. 7, 8pm, Hallmark Movies & Mysteries
Tamera Mowry-Housley from Sister, Sister in Scouting for Christmas - Oct. 20, 8pm, Hallmark Channel
Caroline Rhea and Beth Broderick from Sabrina the Teenage Witch in Holiday Mismatch - Nov. 3, 8pm, Hallmark Channel
Maggie Lawson from Model Behavior in Sugarplummed - Dec. 7, 8pm, Hallmark Channel
Number of Chicago movies: 3
The 5-Year Christmas Party - Oct. 27, 8pm, Hallmark Channel
Deck the Walls - Nov. 29, 8pm, Hallmark Channel
Hanukkah on the Rocks - Dec. 13, 8pm, Hallmark Channel
The Friday and Saturday Thanksgiving Weekend Debut is for Hallmark “A-Listers.” This year’s honor goes to:
Tyler Downs, who a lot of women love for some reason, in the Kansas City Chiefs movie I wrote about last week, titled Holiday Touchdown: A Chiefs Love Story - Nov. 30, 8pm, Hallmark Channel.
Lacey Chabert, the undisputed queen of Hallmark (post-Candace Cameron Bure), in The Christmas Quest - Dec. 1, 8pm, Hallmark Channel
This year’s Non-Christmas movie is Hanukkah on the Rocks - Dec. 13, 8pm, Hallmark Channel
The Secret Royalty movie is Private Princess Christmas - Dec. 6, 8pm, Hallmark Channel
Number of Secret Santa movies: 2
Santa Tell Me - Nov. 9, 8pm, Hallmark Channel
The Santa Class - Dec. 14, 8pm, Hallmark Channel
Number of European movies: 4 (is this where all the budget went?)
Austria: My Sweet Austrian Holiday - Oct. 31, 8pm, Hallmark Movies and Mysteries
Ireland: ‘Tis the Season to Be Irish - Nov. 10, 8pm, Hallmark Channel
Finland: The Finnish Line - Dec. 1, 6pm, Hallmark Channel
Iceland: The Christmas Quest - Dec. 1, 8pm, Hallmark Channel
The Super Christian-y movie is Following Yonder Star - Dec. 15, 8pm, Hallmark Channel
Number of Mainstream Rip-off movies: 3
Twas the Date Before Christmas, which sounds like the underrated romcom The Wedding Date - Oct. 18, 8pm, Hallmark Channel
Holiday Crashers, which seems a lot like Wedding Crashers - Oct. 19, 8pm, Hallmark Channel
Three Wiser Men and a Boy, which is a sequel to a film from two years ago that was a riff on Three Men and a Baby - Nov. 23, 8pm, Hallmark Channel
First movie of the season: ’Twas the Date Before Christmas - October 18, 8pm, Hallmark Channel
ABOUT: Jessie lies about having a date for her family's Christmas Olympics to prevent its cancellation. She meets Bryan on a dating app and convinces him to join her family's eccentric holiday activities. As they develop real feelings for each other, Jessie struggles to keep her lies hidden while trying to maintain her budding relationship with Bryan.
What I’m Giving a Chance
The Christmas Charade - Oct. 26, 8pm, Hallmark Channel
A cautious librarian, Whitney, accidentally becomes involved in an FBI operation to catch an art thief when a blind date goes awry. Posing as an undercover agent's girlfriend, she must help protect a valuable ruby at a Christmas Eve charity ball while discovering her own hidden courage.
WHY: I enjoy watching Hallmark’s attempts to infuse their films with other genres. In this case, they present their take on action, which in past years has never been extreme, but has always been amusing.
The 5-Year Christmas Party - Oct. 27, 8pm, Hallmark Channel
Alice and Max, former theater school rivals, reunite annually for five years to work holiday catering gigs in Chicago, developing undeniable chemistry. As the catering company's final season approaches, they must confront their true feelings and the possibility of romance that has been building over the years.
WHY: A film starring Jordan Fisher about a theater school rival is sure to feature a song-and-dance from the always-charming Broadway star. And I am one of those obnoxious Chicagoans who always likes to see my city on the screen.
A Carol for Two - Nov. 1, 8pm, Hallmark Channel
Violette, an aspiring Broadway performer, lands a coveted singing slot at Fiore's, a famous theater district diner, paired with the initially unwelcoming Alex. As they rehearse together, Alex secretly helps his cousin Brad woo Violette, but complications arise when Alex develops feelings for her too. Their deception is eventually uncovered, threatening both their budding romance and their big Broadway opportunity.
WHY: Despite being a music critic and former vocalist, I tend to despise Christmas romcoms that feature singing. Yet, I’m always intrigued by a “modern retelling” of a classic play, and “A Carol for Two” will seemingly take on Cyrano de Bergerac.
Holiday Mismatch - Nov. 3, 8pm, Hallmark Channel
Two clashing mothers, Kath and Barbara, accidentally set up their adult children through a dating app and team up to sabotage the relationship. As they attempt to interfere, the moms develop an unexpected friendship, while their children's romance flourishes, ultimately bringing both families together for Christmas.
WHY: Although a love story is part of this story, it doesn’t seem central to it. Friendship drives the heart of this film. Plus, I love films with throwback celebs (aunts Hilda and Zelda from Sabrina the Teenage Witch), especially when the script is not a plug-and-play, run-of-the-mill romance.
Three Wiser Men and a Boy - Nov. 23, 8pm, Hallmark Channel
Five years later, the Brenner brothers face new holiday challenges when Luke seeks their help to save his son's school musical after the director quits. As they work to make Thomas' stage dreams come true, the brothers also navigate their feelings about their mother's new relationship, leading to another unforgettable Brenner family Christmas.
WHY: Hallmark sequels are usually just okay, at best, but this film’s 2022 original—a riff on Three Men and a Baby—was genuinely great enough to give this new film a chance. Plus, it’s got Hallmark’s Glen Powell, aka Andrew Walker.
Season’s Greetings from Cherry Lane - Dec. 5, Hallmark+
The story spans three Christmases across different eras: In 1951, a doctor's plans for his wife are disrupted before his deployment to Korea. In 2003, a newlywed couple hosting in-laws discovers unexpected differences. In 2024, a couple struggles to keep their Christmas surprises secret from each other.
WHY: This sequel to last year’s Christmas on Cherry Lane doesn’t feature the certified weirdo and former “Good Witch” Catherine Bell, but it does feature a queer couple, which has been “controversial” in recent years.
Sugarplummed - Dec. 7, 8pm, Hallmark Channel
Emily, always striving for the perfect Christmas, wishes for a holiday like those in TV movies. Her wish comes true when Sugarplum, a character from such a film, magically appears to help. As Sugarplum's attempts at perfection backfire, Emily learns valuable lessons about the true meaning of an ideal holiday.
WHY: It’s a little magic and a little meta, which I think can make for an interesting combination. Plus, it features a surprising nod to Millennial nostalgia with actress Maggie Lawson of Model Behavior infamy.
Hanukkah on the Rocks - Dec. 13, 8pm, Hallmark Channel
Tory, a recently unemployed lawyer, searches for rare Hanukkah candles in Chicago, leading her to Rocky's bar where she meets Jay and his grandfather. While keeping her job loss secret, she transforms Rocky's into a vibrant Hanukkah celebration and bonds with Jay. Through this unexpected detour, Tory discovers a new sense of belonging and the courage to pursue her true calling.
WHY: Hallmark often creates its best, most-movie-like-movies when it ventures outside of Christmas. Last year’s Round and Round was one of their best ever, which gives me high hopes for Hanukkah on the Rocks. Plus, I will always support Degrassi alumni.
Mariah Carey will celebrate the 30th anniversary of her Christmas album (Merry Christmas) and her modern classic Christmas song, "All I Want for Christmas Is You." In anticipation, she has shared two of the four single covers she will release as part of the celebration.
Spirit Halloween will test a new store concept: Spirit Christmas. Ten locations of the pop-up will open this year in the Northeast. Much like Hallmark, the first Spirit Christmas, located in Mays Landing, New Jersey, opens today, well before Halloween has even taken place.
As a single, childless millennial, I am late to discovering/understanding parenting trends. So this year was the first year I've heard of a Boo Basket, which feels like just another excuse for mindless consumption shared on social media for bragging rights. I guess candy and costumes and scares aren't enough for Halloween anymore.
Advent of the Week
Delicious Food Delivered is an advent calendar-first brand launched post-pandemic to save a struggling tour business and promote small, local businesses. The company began with the Delicious Wisconsin advent calendar "box" featuring eats from chefs, candy makers, popcorn palaces and other businesses around the state.
Since then, they've created calendars for 15 states (including Texas, New York, Tennessee and Michigan), five regions (including New England, the Great Lakes and the Carolinas), and one route (Route 66), with more planned in the future.
All seem great, but this year, I'm recommending the Delicious Illinois Advent Calendar, which features Katherine Anne Confections marshmallows (a staple from my Chicago neighborhood) and hot cocoa from Oak Park's Blackout Baking Company. $149, on Delicious Food Delivered
Everything Else
Hanging Fruits recipe journal: Last year, I gave one of my best friends — a serious at-home baker and pastry aficionado — a custom recipe book created by Papier so they could track all of their new creations in one place. It's a thoughtful, practical gift — something we need more of. Papier also offers other designs for you to select, too. $38, on Papier
Nodpod: For the friends who've been served too many TikToks about high cortisol and nervous system dysregulation but are not interested in a subscription to a powdered lemonade mix that "tastes great" but doesn't work. $34, on Nodpod
Until next time!